Remember when you were a kid and it seemed like you had too much time?
I can remember being eight years old and having so much free time that I didn’t know what to do with it all. I became an expert at making up ways to stay busy. I could fill up an entire day with such vitally important projects as lighting ants on fire with a magnifying glass, trying to break the world record for Longest Continuous Chain of Linked Together Coat Hangers, or conducting detailed scientific investigations to see precisely how big a water balloon can get before it explodes and causes extensive flood damage to multiple floors of my friend Rupert’s house. In short, my childhood was Calvin and Hobbes, minus the Hobbes.
Sadly, those days are long gone. According to the birth date on my driver’s license, society now legally classifies me as an “Official Grownup,” which means my days are filled with boring and time-sucking grownup activities like going to work, attending parent-teacher conferences, discovering that I’ve misplaced my car keys ten minutes after I’m already supposed to be somewhere, and responding to important consumer surveys from overseas telemarketing companies.
And quite frankly, all this crap seriously interferes with my blogging.
Honestly people, I don’t know how you do it. So many of you maintain witty, enjoyable, thought-provoking blogs to which you often post daily, and you somehow still manage to find time to read and comment on posts from your scores of friends and followers. Between barely composing a post every few days and trying to stay current with the blogs of my small group of favorite writers, I’m lucky if I even have time to perform my brief but obligatory daily acknowledgement of the existence of my children.
I’ve been trying to increase my spare time – and thereby increase my available blogging hours – by making my domestic routines more efficient. For example, I frequently leave random lights on all over our house. Sure, Loving Wife pesters me over the practice, but I’m quick to remind her that it saves me literally dozens of nanoseconds each year by not having to wait for a pesky light bulb to come to life each time I enter a room.
Still, I realize that I need to find a better way to devote more time each day to regaling you with captivating tales of my home repair mishaps and ongoing Shih-Tzu (gesundheit) anxieties. Perhaps if we analyzed my typical daily schedule we might find room for additional blogging:
6:00 a.m. – Alarm goes off.
6:07 a.m., 6:14 a.m., 6:21 am, 6:28 a.m. – Alarm goes off.
6:35 a.m. – Wake up and stare at ceiling while mentally reviewing today’s to-do list.
6:42 a.m. – Alarm goes off.
6:43 a.m. – Say good morning to Superdog. Note: This can take up to ten minutes because Superdog has roughly the same IQ as a kumquat, and despite my having said good night to him barely six hours before, he still feels the need to greet me every morning with the same level of exuberance that Belgian townsfolk displayed to liberating Allied armies at the end of World War Two.
7:02 a.m. – Commence shower and assorted bathroom activities, including six-minute depressed daily cursing at obviously-malfunctioning bathroom scale.
7:27 a.m. – Prepare quick, easy-to-make breakfast consisting of maple syrup and frozen waffles. While eating, ponder possible connection between questionable nutritional value of breakfast and the aforementioned obviously-malfunctioning bathroom scale.
7:42 a.m. – Ride bus to work. While on bus, use time productively to review current events on smart phone, carefully avoiding the reading of any news story that includes in its headline any of the following words: environment, economy, Prime Minister, Canadian dollar, Middle East, election, nuclear, and “Fox News Reports.”
8:10 a.m. – Arrive at work. Plunge into the absorbing task of getting coffee.
8:27 a.m. – Meet with co-workers to discuss random but important topics concerning the current depressing condition of reality television and the approximate size of forthcoming weekend lottery draws.
9:12 a.m. – Refill Coffee
9:19 a.m. – 12:00 p.m. – Complete various work-related tasks that ensure job security. Occasionally pause to brainstorm potential topic for fresh blog post. Possible first line: “A funny thing happened to me today that I’m sure you all will be very interested in was…”
12:00 p.m. – Lunch
1:01 p.m. – Work some more, while subliminally awaiting further inspiration for blog post. Make mental note of revised possible opening line: “Don’t you just hate it when…”
3:12 p.m. – Coffee break.
5:02 p.m. – Knock off work and catch bus home, carefully avoiding eye contact with the crazies. Use smart phone to browse for and read recent posts from favorite bloggers. En route decide on strongest blog post opening line yet, which now includes an exclamation mark: “Hey everyone! Have you ever had this happen?”
5:46 p.m. – Endure insanely ridiculous greeting from Superdog.
6:12 p.m. – 10:36 p.m. – Engage in the completion of various fatherly domestic responsibilities, including such things as driving to store to buy grocery items as directed by Loving Wife, driving Youngest Daughter to tap class, driving Eldest Daughter to ballet, driving to pick up Youngest Daughter from tap class, driving to pick up Eldest Daughter from ballet, then driving back to store to pick up grocery items accidentally forgotten while at store the first time.
10:37 p.m. – Take laptop to bed and use WordPress Reader to review and comment on new posts from favorite bloggers. Get depressed about how everyone is funnier and more productive with their blogs than I am.
11:27 p.m. – Turn off lights.
11:28 p.m. – Sex life.
11:29 p.m. – Commence falling asleep to the sound of Superdog licking himself. Use last minutes of awake time to mentally redraft opening line of new blog post that I will this time “for sure” get around to writing tomorrow: “Coming up with things to write about in your blog is hard, so it’s a good thing that a funny and interesting thing happened to me today, which was…”
11:32 p.m. – ZZZZZZZZZ
I honestly don’t know where you people find the time.